Page 2 Military Jokes & Military Humor | Rate Military Jokes & Share

Laugh out loud with the military joke of the week. Rate how much you like the Joke! If you think you can do better... Share it with everybody!!

a bunch of army rangers were white water rafting, screaming RANGER! RANGER! RANGER!. God and Jesus were sitting on a tree stump watching them. Jesus looks at God and says dad, what would happen if you took out a quater of their brain. God says lets see, so God takes out a quater of their brain. the army rangers started screaming RANGER! RANGER! RANGER! even louder. Jesus asked God hey dad take out half of their brain and see what happens. So God takes out half of their brain. The rangers start yelling RANGER! RANGER! RANGER! louder and louder. by now Jesus is fustrated and he asks God hey dad take out all of their brain and see what happens. So God takes out all of their brain and instead of yelling RANGER RANGER RANGER. they started singing, from the halls of montezuma to the shores of tripoli
0
rate the joke by clicking on the above faces
e-mail this joke to a friend

There was this wife of a marine that was working at wal/mart the nite shift, it was cold and snow was on the ground, and it was getting deeper every min. She remembered that her husband had told her that if a snow plow was going by to get behind it, and she would beable to get home safe, so that is what happened that night. She got behind this truck, and did as she was told. one hr. went by then two, and then the truck stoped the man got out came back to her car and ask her why she was following him, she told him what her husband had told her to do, and he said it was all right he was going over to the JC pennys parking lot now, and would she like to come over there too.
airpower

e-mail this joke to a friend

Did you know that all blond and Marine jokes were interchangeable?
Ray Cording

e-mail this joke to a friend

A Sailor and a Marine was in a bar drinking beer and arguing which was the better service. Well into the argument the Marine said ?We have Iwo Jima!? The Sailor then stated ?we have the Battle of Midway!? The marine then said, ?Not exactly, there were a lot of Marines fought and lost their lives in that battle.? The Sailor conceded to the Marine that the Navy could not have won the battle without the help of the Marines and out of desperation blurted out ?The Navy invented sex!? The Marine answered with ?Maybe you did, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women!?
ron- retired arng/ e6

e-mail this joke to a friend

what is the differance in a boyscout and the national guards ? the boyscouts have adult supervision.
AIRBORNE ALL THE WAY

e-mail this joke to a friend

Why did the NAVY go back to the 13 button jumper? So the Marines would have a tray hatch
test

e-mail this joke to a friend

A Marine, Soldier and Sailor were watching new Airmen recruits marching in formation. The all came to the conclusion that that was the most sex those boys would ever get. They were walking abreast.
Sgt Blanchard

e-mail this joke to a friend

Some of my dearest friends are former Marines and I enjoy telling them this one.... What does MARINE stand for? My Ass Really Is Navy Equipment! Seriously - God Bless all of you...Including Our Marines :)
Davina

e-mail this joke to a friend

The Marine's advertise that they are looking for a few good "MEN", but sorry to say the Navy already has them.
woody

e-mail this joke to a friend

The three most dangerous things in the Army. 1. 2nd Lt. That says, "It's been my experirnce....." 2. A Pvt. That says, "I understand...." 3. An Old MSGT That says, "Watch this shit........."
John McRae

e-mail this joke to a friend

I was a police officer and my partner and I arrested an teenager for underage drinking. He fought us and was entirely unruly, so we took him to the local Magistrate. At his office we told him how much trouble the boy had been but the Magistrate decided to release him to his parents instead of taking him to jail. While dialing his parents, the teen looked at the wall, saw his Honorable discharge from the Navy and asked the Magistrate if it was true all Navy people were gay. We got to take the boy to jail after all.
Edwin A. Halderman, SSgt. USMC (med

e-mail this joke to a friend

There were these two Gays waiting for the boat to take them across the river to Staten Island from the lower Manhattan. As the boat was approching, one asked the other,say what the hell is that? The other answered, that`s a Ferry Boat. The one that asked the question reply, WAO, I knew we were liberated but I didn` know we had our own Navy
fossillsd37

e-mail this joke to a friend

two marines were walking down the street,when one of them spied a dog licking himself.one said to the other-i wish i could do that-no you dont,he might bite!
Grunt

e-mail this joke to a friend

Does any one know what ARMY stands for?Aren't Really MARINES Yet!!!!So SORRY Army.
anonymous

e-mail this joke to a friend

How do you spell out the word Marine? Muscles are required intelligence not essential
Al Boisselle

e-mail this joke to a friend

A soldier is walking down the beach and soon came upon a bottle with a cap on it. The Soldier picks up the bottle, removes the cap, and a genie wafts out of the bottle. The genie tells the soldier, "you let me out of the bottle, so now I'll grant you 3 wishes..." The soldier can't believe what he's hearing, but tells the genie "I think I'd like a top notch Lager..." instantly another bottle appears on the beach, so the soldier picks it up and takes a sip, it's one of the best beers he's ever tasted. When he finishes it, the bottle instantly refills and the soldier drinks it again. Again the bottle fills up. The soldier asks, what is this? The Genie say's " It's a never ending bottle. You can drink from it all your life and it will never go empty." The Genie say's "What would you like next." The Soldier say's " Golly...I'll take two more of these!"
john baker

e-mail this joke to a friend

A newly commissioned officer with a cigarette dangling from his lips asked aloud,"anybody got a light?:" An NCO said "I got you covered buddy." "Buddy?" said the officer. "Don't you see this bar on my uniform. Let's try this again. DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT?." The NCO snapped to attention and replied. "SIR, No Sir."
Martin

e-mail this joke to a friend

How many gears does a navy tank have? 5 - 4 reverse & 1 Forward. The forward is incase they get hit from the rear.
morris rogers/Sgt. {retired}

e-mail this joke to a friend

When the Sarge left the Doc's office and reentered the waiting room, he had a look of puzzlement and disbelief on his face. His wife ran up to him and said; "What;s wrong, honey? Honey, what's wrong?" The sarge opened his hand and showed her a small, white pill, and said, "The Doc said that I have to take one of these pills every day for the rest of my life". "Well that's not so bad, honey'" his wife replied. "Yes it is," replied the sarge, "he only gave me three pills".
BRYAN WALLING

e-mail this joke to a friend

A captain halted a corporal and asked why his stripes were not on his sleeves. He replied. It hurt my nose when i wiped it.
Sgt. Brittain, US army, Ret.

e-mail this joke to a friend

Little johnny had to write a story about morals and the time had come for him to read his aloud.This is his story. I have an uncle,uncle tommy,who's a Army special forces soldier. One time after a night of drinking Jack Daniels,(snuck to him by way of a Scope bottle,)he went on an airborne mission. Still being drunk from the night before, he got separated from his unit after the jump and landed in the midst of a 100 man enemy unit. Well, my uncle killed the first 50 with his rifle or until he ran out of ammo. He then killed the next 30 with his knife and then the blade broke. He finally killed the last 20 with his bare hands. The end. The teacher with a look of horror and astonishment asked little johnny what in the world could the moral of that story be. Little johnny replied with a shit eating grin,"Don't Fizuck with uncle tommy when he's been drinking!!!!"
Thomas Cox

e-mail this joke to a friend

CPL Jones sees a private on the mess hall steps with a steel pot helmet and a stick stirring something and asked the Pvt was was in the steel pot. The Pvt said, " shit." The CPL ask why he was stirring it and the Pvt said I am stirring up a CPL. This really pissed the CPL and he decided to get even so he told a SSG what had happened. The SSG asked the Pvt the same question and got the same answer except the Pvt said it was a SSG he was stirring up. The SSG then went to the SFC platoon sgt with the CPL and told him what had happened. They decided to go to the 1st SGT with the problem. After telling the 1st SGT they discussed it and decided it would be best to tell the company commander. This would ge the Pvt in much deeper trouble and maybe stockade time as it would be disrepecting and officer. After explaining everything to the CO the CO agreed. The CO then approached the Pvt, still on the mess hall steps and said, "Pvt I suppose you are going to tell me you are stirring up a Captain, right?" The private then replied, "Nawsuh, I ain't got neer nuff shit fer that."
Carter R.

e-mail this joke to a friend

The Soldier stood and faced God Which must always come to pass He hoped his shoes were shining Just as bright as his brass."Step forward you Soldier, How shall I deal with you? Have you always turned the other cheek? To My Church have you been true?" The Solider squared his shoulders and said"No, Lord, I guess I ain't Because those of us who carry guns Can't always be a saint. I've had to work on Sundays And at times my talk was tough, And sometimes I've been violent, Because the world is awfully rough.But, I never took a penny That wasn't mine to keep. Though I worked a lot of overtime When the bills got just to steep,And I never passed a cry for help Though at times I shook with fear, And sometimes, God forgive me,I've wept unmanly tears. I know I don't deserve a place Among the people here. They never wanted me around Except to calm their fears. If you've a place for me here,Lord, It needn't be so grand, I never expected or had too much, But if you don't, I'll understand." There was silence all around the throne Where the saints had often trod As the Soldier waited quietly, For the judgment of his God."Step forward now, you Soldier, You've borne your burden well. Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,You've done your time in HELL." ...Author Unknown
William Martinek

e-mail this joke to a friend

(True story)..When I got out of Nam, I was stationed at Ft Polk. My main job for the last six months of my Army career was working as an instructor on the LAW and BB Gun range. I had about 3 weeks left this one morning when a bunch of new recruits just came out of the classroom to learn the basics of firing a LAW. There were about 20 of them. Here they were, all with their LAWs on their shoulders pointing at an old blown-out tank. Except for one. He had his LAW (armed) pointing in the opposite direction. (toward a parking lot) I walked up to him and said "soldier, do you notice anything different about your situation and the other troops"? He looked around, LAW, still on his shoulder, and said "Yes Sargeant, they're all aiming in a different direction than me". I said "Brilliant private! and why is that"? He said "Sargeant!, I'm left-handed"....
Croft

e-mail this joke to a friend

Two men walk into the restroom, one enlisted and the other an officer. After doing their business, the officer heads to the sink to wash his hands. At the same time, the enlisted man heads towards the exit. The officer says to the enlisted man, "Young man, in OCS they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom." The enlisted man says back to the officer, "Oh yeah? Well in boot camp, they taught us not to piss on our hands!"
Robin Burgess

e-mail this joke to a friend

1 2 3 4 5 6

Do you have a good joke that you would like to share?
Click here to submit your joke

Click here for the Best Jokes!

Laugh out loud with the military joke of the week.