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A basic aiman at Lackland recieved his first two hour pass to go to the BX. While he was playing a pin ball machine, a 2d Lt came up to him and asked if he had change for a quater. Not yet militerized, the Airman no class said sure, how do you want it, all nickles, two dimes and a nickle? The butter bar said, I am an officer, you should call me sir, now lets try it agin. Airman, do you have change for a quater? The airman replyed No sir, I dont
johnny
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How do you break up a bingo game in Iraq ? Call out B-52
Chris

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This ones kinda long. 3 Generals and an Admiral are sitting in the O Club at Los Alamitos JFTB. Theyre trying to prove which branch has the bravest men. The Marine General says, We got the bravest. Prove it, say the others. So they hop up to 29 Palms & head out to the range. The Marine General walks up to a Lance Corporal & says, Marine, charge that machine gun! Aye, aye sir! comes the reply. When the lcpl follows his orders, hes immediately turned to swiss cheese. The Marine General looks back & says, That takes bravery. BS, say the others. The Army General says,We got the bravest. Prove it. So they hop up to Ft Irwin NTC & head for a motor pool. There they find a soldier ground guiding M1A2s out. The Army General walks up to the soldier & says, Stop that tank. Yes, sir! comes the reply. The soldier runs up in front of the tank & is quickly turned into a meat waffle by the tracks. Now, THAT takes bravery! says The Army General. BS, hes told. The Air Force General says, We got the bravest. And I CAN prove it! So they hop down to March AFB & head out to the flight line. Theres an F-15 taxing toward the runway. The Air Force General walks up to a young airman & says, Stop that plane. Will do, sir, comes the reply. So the airman runs out to the runway in front of the plane , gets sucked-up into the intake, and is promptly spewed out of the exhaust as fish food. THATS bravery! says the Air Force General. The Admiral just starts laughing. Navy men are the REAL bravest! Follow me, says the Admiral. So they hop down to San Diego Naval Base & head for a pier with a carrier moored to it. As they walk down the pier, the Admiral spots a pitiful excuse for a sailor, sitting on a fuel can, smoking a cigarette. His Dungarees look like they were pulled out of the refuse. His Boondockers look like they were shined with a hot Hershey bar. He has no cover on. And it appears that his razor ran away from home. The Admiral walks up to the sailor & says, Go change all the lights on the island structure. The sailor notices that the ship is rocking back & forth in the current. He looks at the Admiral & says, SCREW YOU! The Admiral looks back at the Generals & says, Now, THAT takes bravery!
Christopher Graham

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Five NCOs were sitting in the NCO club one day having beers. All were Catholic. The first NCO, a SGM says that my son is a priest. When he walks in a room every one says Hello, father. The second NCO, and E8, says my son in a Bishop. When he walks in a room, everyone says hello your grace. The third NCO, an E7, says my son is a Cardinal. When he walks in a room, everyone says hello your Eminence. The fourth NCO, an E6 says my son in The Pope. When he walks in a room, everyone stands, and says hello your Holy Father. THe fifth NCO, an E5, and a woman had said nothing. The SGM asked her about her children. She replied, I only have one child, and she is 23, with a 40 D bust, 23 waist, and 35 hips. When she walks in a room everyone says OOOOOO MY GOD
Jackie F NJ USAF 1972-75

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The soldiers were on the mend in the Military Hospital. In comes the WAC with the ½ thick glasses into the tent. All 3 in the tent were gigging until one said to her, Mam, mam, why do you have a thermometer on your ear? She in turn replied, ah crap, one of the A-Holes in the other tent has my pencil!
bob w

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The Sergeant at the reception station asks if there are any High School graduates in the group, several men raise their hands. You men stand over here, Then the Sergeant asks if there are any College Graduates, a few more raise their hands. you men stand over there... Then the Sergeant says you men with the College Educations grab the lawn mowers, you men with the High School educations grab the rakes and you men with no education, watch them, you might learn something...
MIKE SUNDER

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Islamic terrorist are like King Salmon.... All is good until the Seals come!
Bob Pease

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What do the guys shout at iraqi strip shows??? come on baby, show us your face While I have the chance, god bless you all and god bless america, from Tasmania, Australia.
MIKE

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Iraq and Afghanistan have the same state bird - DUCK!
Unknown

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2 CAREER SWABBYS WERE SITTING AT THE BAR. ONE OF THEM SAYS LOOK AT THOSE TWO DRUNKS ACROSS THE BAR, THAT COULD BE US IN 10YRS. THE OTHER GUY SAYS YOU ASSHOLE, THATS A MIRROR !
don butler

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WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THE BODY ?????? BRAIN says I do all the thinking BLOOD says I nourish the body STOMACH saysI process all the food to get ready for nourishment LEGS says I carry everybody everywhere RECTUM says I do waste removal allthe others LAUGHED at the RECTUM. so the RECTUM shut down tight. Pretty soon the: BRAIN had wicked headaches. BLOOD got toxic. LEGS got wobbly. STOMACH bloated. MORAL: OTHERS DO THE WORK and: THERE IS AN A$$HOLE IN CHARGE...
DON BUTLER

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A NAVY CAPTAIN AND HIS WIFE DECIDE TO HIT THE SACK.AFTER THEY ARE SETTLED DOWN,HE STARTS RUBBING HER SHOULDER,WAITING FOR A POSITIVE RESPONCE. SHE SAYS N O T TONIGHT HON,I HAVE A GYNO EXAM TOMORROW AND I WANT TO BE F-R-E-S-H. THE REJECTED HUSBAND TURNS OVER TO GO TO SLEEP. AFTER A FEW MUNUTES HE TURNS BACK OVER AND GIVES HIS WIFE A TAP ON THE SHOULDER AND ASKS BY CHANCE, YOU DONT HAVE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT TOMORROW DO YOU?
Don Butler

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Drafting Guys Over 60. This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier. New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks Im too old to track down terrorists. You cant be older than 42 to join the military. Theyve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldnt be able to join a military unit until youre at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys havent lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I cant sleep, Im tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesnt even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, Im tired and cant sleep and since Im already up, I Mayas well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldnt spill the beans because wed forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. Were used to getting screamed and yelled at and were used to soft food. Weve also developed an appreciation for guns. Weve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. Ive been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. Ive never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. Hes still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasnt figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harms way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, which know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. Theyll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends its in big type so they can read it.
John Shearer

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Why did the Navy go to the thirteen button jumpsuit? To give all women thirteen chances to say NO.
Dan Garson

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What do the letters T.G.I.F. stand for on the inside of a Marines boot flap toung? Toes Go In First
Apachedoc

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Why do Marines call their blade a K-Bar? Because they cant spell Ka-nife k-nife
Tsgt USAF67

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Two airmen from NY were at the golf course near Lackland and were waiting to tee off. They started talking about being back in texas one said to the other only 2 thing come from Texas Football Players & Hookers. A full bird was standing right behind them and over heard what was said. He tapped the airmen on the back and said "My wife is from Texas". Without blinking an eye The Airman said... "And what postion does she play!"
Phil Cole

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The Best Marine Is A Submarine
Unknown

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The Lt. Commander was in the dastardly position for a procto exam. He heard the snapping of the latex gloves, then the sklick the vaseline tube makes when the slippery stuff goes on the glove. Then the dreaded proceedure was over. The doctor recommends, because the prostate is unusually swollen,and needs further attention,a biopsy. The Lt. Commander is visably shaken,and asks if he could get a second oppinion? The Dr. says sure why not? He instructed the L.C. to bend over the exam couch, and shoved 2 fingers up there. I wonder if L.C. wanted a third opinion
Don Butler

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After a wild nite of sex, she says will you still service me like that after marriage? The BM1 says sure will dear, if your husband doesnt object....
Don Butler

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The printer was late and the harried Airman was running back & forth from his van into the ritzy hotel bringing in the last of the set up for a Civilian sponsored formal celebration of Veterans Day. He was under an overhang so he was not wearing his hat, and in his haste, ignoring those who were just beginning to arrive. Then a Butter Bar in his new mess dress with his 2 shiny medals, and a stunning date, approached the entrance as the airman ran back to his van for another box, not noticing the young couple. As the Airman grabbed another box, he rushed past the 2nd Lieutenant with his impressionable date on his arm who called out, Excuse me Airman, but dont we salute Officers in the Air Force ?. The haggard Airman replied yes Sir, and promptly dropped his box, came to attention and saluted the young officer, who turned and smiled to his date and then said, and so that you dont forget, youll salute 100 times, and I will count them all. The Butter Bar stood there, arms akimbo, counting away with his embarrassed date by his side, not realizing the Commands Lieutenant General had arrived, witnessing the whole affair. The Commanding General, in his uniformed splendor of 30+ years of service stepped up behind the Lieutenant and quietly said, in my Air Force we return salutes... and Ill count ! true story The General stopped at about 18 ...
Gina

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A pickle, a cucumber & a penis were talking about life. The cucumber said when i get big & hard they chop me up & toss me in a salad. The pickle said when i get big & hard they chop me & drown me in vinegar. The penis said that is nothing compared to what im going through, when i get big & hard they put a plastic bag over my head & put me in a dark damp cave & bang my head against the walls until i throw up and faint
Dr. John Knoles

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A soldier goes over the hill, rounds a corner and runs smack into the arms of an officer. Where do you think youre going,son?, asks the officer. Im sorry, Captain: the firefight was so heavy, I just went AWOL. What do you mean Captain? Im a General! Wow! says the soldier.I didnt realize Id run THAT far back.
john

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ARMY= aint ready to be a marine yet
1

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Why do they have Marines aboard naval ships? So that the sailors have someone to dance with.
Cathye Graham

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Laugh out loud with the military joke of the week.