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WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THE BODY ?????? BRAIN says I do all the thinking BLOOD says I nourish the body STOMACH saysI process all the food to get ready for nourishment LEGS says I carry everybody everywhere RECTUM says I do waste removal allthe others LAUGHED at the RECTUM. so the RECTUM shut down tight. Pretty soon the: BRAIN had wicked headaches. BLOOD got toxic. LEGS got wobbly. STOMACH bloated. MORAL: OTHERS DO THE WORK and: THERE IS AN A$$HOLE IN CHARGE...
DON BUTLER
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A NAVY CAPTAIN AND HIS WIFE DECIDE TO HIT THE SACK.AFTER THEY ARE SETTLED DOWN,HE STARTS RUBBING HER SHOULDER,WAITING FOR A POSITIVE RESPONCE. SHE SAYS N O T TONIGHT HON,I HAVE A GYNO EXAM TOMORROW AND I WANT TO BE F-R-E-S-H. THE REJECTED HUSBAND TURNS OVER TO GO TO SLEEP. AFTER A FEW MUNUTES HE TURNS BACK OVER AND GIVES HIS WIFE A TAP ON THE SHOULDER AND ASKS BY CHANCE, YOU DONT HAVE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT TOMORROW DO YOU?
navy

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Drafting Guys Over 60. This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier. New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks Im too old to track down terrorists. You cant be older than 42 to join the military. Theyve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldnt be able to join a military unit until youre at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys havent lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I cant sleep, Im tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesnt even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, Im tired and cant sleep and since Im already up, I Mayas well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldnt spill the beans because wed forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. Were used to getting screamed and yelled at and were used to soft food. Weve also developed an appreciation for guns. Weve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. Ive been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. Ive never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. Hes still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasnt figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harms way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, which know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. Theyll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends its in big type so they can read it.
John Shearer

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Why did the Navy go to the thirteen button jumpsuit? To give all women thirteen chances to say NO.
Dan Garson

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What do the letters T.G.I.F. stand for on the inside of a Marines boot flap toung? Toes Go In First
Apachedoc

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Why do Marines call their blade a K-Bar? Because they cant spell Ka-nife k-nife
Tsgt USAF67

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Two airmen from NY were at the golf course near Lackland and were waiting to tee off. They started talking about being back in texas one said to the other only 2 thing come from Texas Football Players & Hookers. A full bird was standing right behind them and over heard what was said. He tapped the airmen on the back and said "My wife is from Texas". Without blinking an eye The Airman said... "And what postion does she play!"
Phil Cole

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The Best Marine Is A Submarine
Don Butler

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The Lt. Commander was in the dastardly position for a procto exam. He heard the snapping of the latex gloves, then the sklick the vaseline tube makes when the slippery stuff goes on the glove. Then the dreaded proceedure was over. The doctor recommends, because the prostate is unusually swollen,and needs further attention,a biopsy. The Lt. Commander is visably shaken,and asks if he could get a second oppinion? The Dr. says sure why not? He instructed the L.C. to bend over the exam couch, and shoved 2 fingers up there. I wonder if L.C. wanted a third opinion
Don Butler

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After a wild nite of sex, she says will you still service me like that after marriage? The BM1 says sure will dear, if your husband doesnt object....
Don Butler

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The printer was late and the harried Airman was running back & forth from his van into the ritzy hotel bringing in the last of the set up for a Civilian sponsored formal celebration of Veterans Day. He was under an overhang so he was not wearing his hat, and in his haste, ignoring those who were just beginning to arrive. Then a Butter Bar in his new mess dress with his 2 shiny medals, and a stunning date, approached the entrance as the airman ran back to his van for another box, not noticing the young couple. As the Airman grabbed another box, he rushed past the 2nd Lieutenant with his impressionable date on his arm who called out, Excuse me Airman, but dont we salute Officers in the Air Force ?. The haggard Airman replied yes Sir, and promptly dropped his box, came to attention and saluted the young officer, who turned and smiled to his date and then said, and so that you dont forget, youll salute 100 times, and I will count them all. The Butter Bar stood there, arms akimbo, counting away with his embarrassed date by his side, not realizing the Commands Lieutenant General had arrived, witnessing the whole affair. The Commanding General, in his uniformed splendor of 30+ years of service stepped up behind the Lieutenant and quietly said, in my Air Force we return salutes... and Ill count ! true story The General stopped at about 18 ...
Gina

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A pickle, a cucumber & a penis were talking about life. The cucumber said when i get big & hard they chop me up & toss me in a salad. The pickle said when i get big & hard they chop me & drown me in vinegar. The penis said that is nothing compared to what im going through, when i get big & hard they put a plastic bag over my head & put me in a dark damp cave & bang my head against the walls until i throw up and faint
Dr. John Knoles

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A soldier goes over the hill, rounds a corner and runs smack into the arms of an officer. Where do you think youre going,son?, asks the officer. Im sorry, Captain: the firefight was so heavy, I just went AWOL. What do you mean Captain? Im a General! Wow! says the soldier.I didnt realize Id run THAT far back.
john

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ARMY= aint ready to be a marine yet
1

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Why do they have Marines aboard naval ships? So that the sailors have someone to dance with.
Cathye Graham

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out to eat one night a soldier and a marine meet in a bathroom after using the latrine the soldier went to the sink looked at himself and started out the door when the marine says In the MARINES they taught us to wash our hands the soldier replied In the ARMY they taught us not to piss on our hands
Steve Swartz

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Is Sex Work? A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure? A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. ACaptain said it was 50-50%. A Lieutenantresponded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonelturned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion? Withoutany hesitation, the young PFC responded, Sir, ithas to be 100% pleasure. The colonelwas surprised and as you might guess, asked why? Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them. The room fell silent.
Diwee

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A marine sergeant major and his wife were living in a house off the marine headquarters,where he was on duty. She had lost her interest in sex,so she went to the doctor to see if he could help her. The doctor prescribed a pill just for the problem.He gave her a dozen free samples also. When she got home she took two pills, and dropped the pill bottle as she was putting it in the medicine cabinet. It shattered on the tile floor.She picked up the mess. Then she took an aspirin bottle from the medicine cabinet. There was one tablet in it,which see threw away,and put the rest of her sex pills into the aspirin bottle,and put it in the medicine cabinet. A half hour later, she was stretched out on the couch when when the sgt major came in from headquarters. He said, he had a rough day.He went upstairs to the john and to change intocivies. While he was in the john he decided to take a couple of aspirin,then he took a couple more so they would work much faster on his headache. He went into the bedroom to change clothes.He stripped down. All of a sudden a strong urge for sex came over him.In his birthday suit he headed downstairs.When he was half way down,he heard his wife say,from the couch,I could use a MAN with a big weapon,for some hot, uninhibited, wild sex looking at her over the bannister he said,in a desperate voice, MEEE TOOO !!!
Don Butler

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The old sergeant, tired of a listless sex life,he asked his wife how come you never tell me when you have had an orgasm? She glanced at him and said YOUR NEVER HOME!!!
Matt

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A Swabby was sitting at the bar in an Irish pub in Boston.A Soldier came in and sat next to him just as he ordered a beer from Patty the bartend. When Patty brought him the beer the soldier says Ive got that,and give me the same. The soldier says by your accent, I see your from the old countryfrom now on N./=swabby+ A./=soldier.how long have you been over? N./ 10 years. A./ well Ill be,Ive been over 10 years too!A./Where did you hail from? N./Dublin.A./Geez, I come from Dublin meself.A./But what part?N./James ST. hill.A./Holy crap,I comefrom The HillA./What school? N./ Saint Marys.A./ Dam, I went there too!A./ Ya, but what church?N./Saint Brigids.A./HOLY GHOST!! I went there too. Just then a customer comes in and says Ill have my regular Patty. Patty places draft in front of him.He takes a long swig and saysso Patty whats new? Well...its the same old bullshit,except,as he gestured toward the Swab. and the soldier he said The Omally twins are drunk again.
Don Butler

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A U.S.M.C. Colonel and a U.S.A.F A1C are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The U.S.M.C. Colonel is thinking that U.S.A.F A1C are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the U.S.M.C. Colonel asks if the U.S.A.F A1C would like to play a fun game. The U.S.A.F A1C is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The U.S.M.C. Colonel persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the U.S.A.F A1Cs attention and, to keep the U.S.M.C. Colonel quiet, he agrees to play the game. The U.S.M.C. Colonel asks the first question. Whats the distance from the Earth to the Moon? The U.S.A.F A1C doesnt say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the U.S.M.C. Colonel. Now its the U.S.A.F A1Cs turn. He asks the U.S.M.C. Colonel, What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The U.S.M.C. Colonel uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the U.S.A.F A1C and hands him $500. The U.S.A.F A1C pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The U.S.M.C. Colonel is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the U.S.A.F A1C up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The U.S.A.F A1C reaches into his pocket, hands the U.S.M.C. Colonel $5, and goes back to sleep.
bbhnskr

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There was this Ranger that had a broken tooth. He went to the DDM and told the Dr. he had a broken tooth and he wanted it taken out. The Dr. looked at it and said this is going to take a lot of pain meds. The Ranger said you do not need it to give me that as I have only been hurt twice in is life. So the Dr. started pulling the tooth and it was very hard to get out and when he got through he asked the Ranger if that hurt. The Ranger said again....I have only been hurt twice in my life, the Dr. asked what were the two times ?? The Ranger replied I was on a patrol and had to take a crap so I went behind a tree droped my pants, bent down and my balls fell in a bear trap! The Dr said my goodness that had to hurt so what was the second time???? The Ranger said....when I ran out of chain!
Mike

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Why did God give the Marine 2 brain cells more than he gave the horse? So the Marine wouldnt Poop in the Parade!
Walter Bedlien (Santa Eddie)

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The Marine Corps is looking for a few good men, they found them---Navy Corpsmen
Roger Stewart

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Q,what do they call the goats Iranians take home A,War Brides
SPC Greer

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Laugh out loud with the military joke of the week.