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The Marines are the best to say they were the first into battle and the first to arrive anywhere. ONE EXCEPTION = when they get to the Pearly Gates of Heaven they will find out the gates were built by the SEABEES.
Thomas
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Theres an ARMY guy and a Marine in the bathroom taking a leak, The Army guy zips up and starts to leave, The marine runs to stop him and says..."You know, in the Marines they teach us to wash our hands AFTER WE PEE." Then the Army guy SAYS..." In the Army they teach not to pee on our hands!"
Bob Pease PVT E-2

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Best branch of the US Armed Forces? A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly. Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best? Saint Peter replied, I cant answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven. Sometime later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their answer.? Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peters shoulder. In the doves beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen: MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best 1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble. 2. Each serves America well and with distinction. 3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man. 4. Always be proud of that. Warm Regards, GOD, USAF, Ret.
-1

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A Story concerning two enlisted men enjoy. Two Privates were out in town and it seemed that everywhere they went it always stated that privates were not allowed. Well as time went on they were finally promoted to Corporals. This really excited them and they could not wait to get some leave to go out into town to be able to have some fun instead of having to go to the clubs where privates were allowed to go to. Well once out in town as corporals they were finally allowed into one of the clubs they used to think about visiting and being excited about receiving entrance to one of these establishments they decided that they would only give out there initials so they would not be able to get into trouble by name. Well they were inside the establishment and found a couple of ladies that they wanted to spend some time with and after they explained there intensions to these ladies they agreed to spend some time with them too. Once they arrived at the motel room the ladies inquired their names which they explained that they only wanted to give out there initials as not to be able to get into trouble on base. The ladies listened to their story and agreed that this was a wise and noble thing to do so they also informed them that they would also like to avoid trouble and would only give them their initials too. So the ladies stated that their initials were VD. Well everyone had a great time and upon returning to base they decide that they would see if they could possibly figure out what the ladies names were by looking up their initials and looking in the dictionary they found out that the initials for VD were described as a disease of the privates. Well they just laughed and stated well we do not have to worry about that because we are corporals now.
rote nike schuhe

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What did the marine say to the sub marine, if im a marine and you are a sub marine why do you taste like metal
SteveO

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A basic aiman at Lackland recieved his first two hour pass to go to the BX. While he was playing a pin ball machine, a 2d Lt came up to him and asked if he had change for a quater. Not yet militerized, the Airman no class said sure, how do you want it, all nickles, two dimes and a nickle? The butter bar said, I am an officer, you should call me sir, now lets try it agin. Airman, do you have change for a quater? The airman replyed No sir, I dont
johnny

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How do you break up a bingo game in Iraq ? Call out B-52
Chris

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This ones kinda long. 3 Generals and an Admiral are sitting in the O Club at Los Alamitos JFTB. Theyre trying to prove which branch has the bravest men. The Marine General says, We got the bravest. Prove it, say the others. So they hop up to 29 Palms & head out to the range. The Marine General walks up to a Lance Corporal & says, Marine, charge that machine gun! Aye, aye sir! comes the reply. When the lcpl follows his orders, hes immediately turned to swiss cheese. The Marine General looks back & says, That takes bravery. BS, say the others. The Army General says,We got the bravest. Prove it. So they hop up to Ft Irwin NTC & head for a motor pool. There they find a soldier ground guiding M1A2s out. The Army General walks up to the soldier & says, Stop that tank. Yes, sir! comes the reply. The soldier runs up in front of the tank & is quickly turned into a meat waffle by the tracks. Now, THAT takes bravery! says The Army General. BS, hes told. The Air Force General says, We got the bravest. And I CAN prove it! So they hop down to March AFB & head out to the flight line. Theres an F-15 taxing toward the runway. The Air Force General walks up to a young airman & says, Stop that plane. Will do, sir, comes the reply. So the airman runs out to the runway in front of the plane , gets sucked-up into the intake, and is promptly spewed out of the exhaust as fish food. THATS bravery! says the Air Force General. The Admiral just starts laughing. Navy men are the REAL bravest! Follow me, says the Admiral. So they hop down to San Diego Naval Base & head for a pier with a carrier moored to it. As they walk down the pier, the Admiral spots a pitiful excuse for a sailor, sitting on a fuel can, smoking a cigarette. His Dungarees look like they were pulled out of the refuse. His Boondockers look like they were shined with a hot Hershey bar. He has no cover on. And it appears that his razor ran away from home. The Admiral walks up to the sailor & says, Go change all the lights on the island structure. The sailor notices that the ship is rocking back & forth in the current. He looks at the Admiral & says, SCREW YOU! The Admiral looks back at the Generals & says, Now, THAT takes bravery!
Christopher Graham

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Five NCOs were sitting in the NCO club one day having beers. All were Catholic. The first NCO, a SGM says that my son is a priest. When he walks in a room every one says Hello, father. The second NCO, and E8, says my son in a Bishop. When he walks in a room, everyone says hello your grace. The third NCO, an E7, says my son is a Cardinal. When he walks in a room, everyone says hello your Eminence. The fourth NCO, an E6 says my son in The Pope. When he walks in a room, everyone stands, and says hello your Holy Father. THe fifth NCO, an E5, and a woman had said nothing. The SGM asked her about her children. She replied, I only have one child, and she is 23, with a 40 D bust, 23 waist, and 35 hips. When she walks in a room everyone says OOOOOO MY GOD
Jackie F NJ USAF 1972-75

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The soldiers were on the mend in the Military Hospital. In comes the WAC with the ½ thick glasses into the tent. All 3 in the tent were gigging until one said to her, Mam, mam, why do you have a thermometer on your ear? She in turn replied, ah crap, one of the A-Holes in the other tent has my pencil!
bob w

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The Sergeant at the reception station asks if there are any High School graduates in the group, several men raise their hands. You men stand over here, Then the Sergeant asks if there are any College Graduates, a few more raise their hands. you men stand over there... Then the Sergeant says you men with the College Educations grab the lawn mowers, you men with the High School educations grab the rakes and you men with no education, watch them, you might learn something...
MIKE SUNDER

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Islamic terrorist are like King Salmon.... All is good until the Seals come!
Bob Pease

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What do the guys shout at iraqi strip shows??? come on baby, show us your face While I have the chance, god bless you all and god bless america, from Tasmania, Australia.
MIKE

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Iraq and Afghanistan have the same state bird - DUCK!
Unknown

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2 CAREER SWABBYS WERE SITTING AT THE BAR. ONE OF THEM SAYS LOOK AT THOSE TWO DRUNKS ACROSS THE BAR, THAT COULD BE US IN 10YRS. THE OTHER GUY SAYS YOU ASSHOLE, THATS A MIRROR !
don butler

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WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THE BODY ?????? BRAIN says I do all the thinking BLOOD says I nourish the body STOMACH saysI process all the food to get ready for nourishment LEGS says I carry everybody everywhere RECTUM says I do waste removal allthe others LAUGHED at the RECTUM. so the RECTUM shut down tight. Pretty soon the: BRAIN had wicked headaches. BLOOD got toxic. LEGS got wobbly. STOMACH bloated. MORAL: OTHERS DO THE WORK and: THERE IS AN A$$HOLE IN CHARGE...
DON BUTLER

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A NAVY CAPTAIN AND HIS WIFE DECIDE TO HIT THE SACK.AFTER THEY ARE SETTLED DOWN,HE STARTS RUBBING HER SHOULDER,WAITING FOR A POSITIVE RESPONCE. SHE SAYS N O T TONIGHT HON,I HAVE A GYNO EXAM TOMORROW AND I WANT TO BE F-R-E-S-H. THE REJECTED HUSBAND TURNS OVER TO GO TO SLEEP. AFTER A FEW MUNUTES HE TURNS BACK OVER AND GIVES HIS WIFE A TAP ON THE SHOULDER AND ASKS BY CHANCE, YOU DONT HAVE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT TOMORROW DO YOU?
Don Butler

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Drafting Guys Over 60. This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier. New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks Im too old to track down terrorists. You cant be older than 42 to join the military. Theyve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldnt be able to join a military unit until youre at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys havent lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I cant sleep, Im tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesnt even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, Im tired and cant sleep and since Im already up, I Mayas well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldnt spill the beans because wed forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. Were used to getting screamed and yelled at and were used to soft food. Weve also developed an appreciation for guns. Weve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. Ive been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. Ive never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. Hes still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasnt figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harms way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, which know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. Theyll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends its in big type so they can read it.
John Shearer

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Why did the Navy go to the thirteen button jumpsuit? To give all women thirteen chances to say NO.
Dan Garson

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What do the letters T.G.I.F. stand for on the inside of a Marines boot flap toung? Toes Go In First
Apachedoc

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Why do Marines call their blade a K-Bar? Because they cant spell Ka-nife k-nife
Tsgt USAF67

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Two airmen from NY were at the golf course near Lackland and were waiting to tee off. They started talking about being back in texas one said to the other only 2 thing come from Texas Football Players & Hookers. A full bird was standing right behind them and over heard what was said. He tapped the airmen on the back and said "My wife is from Texas". Without blinking an eye The Airman said... "And what postion does she play!"
Phil Cole

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The Best Marine Is A Submarine
Unknown

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The Lt. Commander was in the dastardly position for a procto exam. He heard the snapping of the latex gloves, then the sklick the vaseline tube makes when the slippery stuff goes on the glove. Then the dreaded proceedure was over. The doctor recommends, because the prostate is unusually swollen,and needs further attention,a biopsy. The Lt. Commander is visably shaken,and asks if he could get a second oppinion? The Dr. says sure why not? He instructed the L.C. to bend over the exam couch, and shoved 2 fingers up there. I wonder if L.C. wanted a third opinion
Don Butler

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After a wild nite of sex, she says will you still service me like that after marriage? The BM1 says sure will dear, if your husband doesnt object....
Don Butler

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Laugh out loud with the military joke of the week.